PUNMUG IS MAKING CHRISTMAS MORE AFFORDABLE BY OFFERING TO YOU IT'S OWN VERSION OF TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS. TWELVE SPECIAL GIFTS, ONE RELEASED EVERY DAY STARTING DECEMBER 10. STAY TUNED!
I was always under the impression that Christmas comes but one day per year. But this just in: There's twelve, all in succession, starting on December 25 and carrying on till January 5. I am pretty bad at remembering to buy gifts in the first place and I wouldn't say I'm totally up to speed on identifying the subtle nuances of etiquette that constructs the courting scene of the 2020s, but I can say with absolute certainty that that's a whole lotta Christmas gifts. What's worse - if you have a true love and you plan to give them gifts, your gift giving roster will inevitably be compared to the Classic Christmas Carol that we all know and some love. This could run you a pretty penny. We don't like the idea of you spending more money than you can afford so the Punmug posse has whipped up some more affordable items intended to replace the traditional gifts.
If you are not familiar with this popular holididdy let me bring you up to speed. The most popular version of the song known by carollers was written in 1908 but there are versions that stretch all the way back to the 1700's. Who am I kidding? You know it. If you don't know it then here you go:
Did you watch it? What did we learn? Those kids are creepy and some dude bought a LOT of presents for their true love and really raised the bar for everyone else. If you take the lyrics literally they got increasingly more and more gifts each day. For example on the first day, they get one plump partridge and a pear tree. But each other day they get another plump partridge and another pear tree AND the new gift, two turtle doves. Day three, the plump bird, the tree, two doves and three french hens. At the end of this ridiculous gift lineage this lucky love will have 364 gifts to deal with, and for some odd reason, most of them are birds.
What would any true love do with 184 birds during the holidays? A shopping list derived from this song is just not realistic. How much would a spending spree of this magnitude cost someone? I was happy to find out that there's a bank that has interest in the subject too. The PNC Christmas price index has wanted to know this for the last 36 years. The good bankers at PNC have been using the song as a benchmark for inflation by calculating the costs of the items each year. For 2019 they have reported it would cost a person to endow their love with this mountain of holiday spending a whopping $170,298.03. That price is way too high. We're working hard here at Punmug to craft a more affordable option.
Here's the price breakdown:
A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE $210.17
I could only assume this pear tree was potted, otherwise it would be in the ground already and what if the true love didn't like the placement. Nowhere in the whole song does the true love receive a spade. The pear tree alone goes for $199.95.
TWO TURTLE DOVES $300.00
If the partridge costs $10.22 then maybe they should have bought a few more partridges, because apparently a turtle dove goes for $150. Damn.
THREE FRENCH HENS $181.50
Not quite as pricy as the turtle doves but a little more than the partridge. The bird market is not an even playing field. That's $60.50 a hen.
FOUR CALLING BIRDS $599.96
What the hell is a calling bird? Don't all birds call? Can't partridges be calling birds? Do partridges make noise? They must.
They do! Damn, these calling birds gotta have the sweetest sound ever to justify a $150/bird price like that.
I learned quickly that the term "calling birds" from the song was actually taken from "collie birds" which apparently means blackbirds so lets give those little guys a try:
Hmm, slightly prettier. I'll allow the price increase.
FIVE GOLD RINGS $825.00
$165 per ring. Seems reasonable. Finally.
SIX GEESE-A-LAYING $420.00
A goose capable of laying eggs I'm assuming. I find it surprising that a goose egg producer should only cost $70 a bird when the blackbird goes for $150. I could get two geese for the price of that. Day six is no doubt a discount day.
SEVEN SWANS-A-SWIMMING $13,125.00
Coming in as our last gift representing the avian theme SEVEN SWANS THAT COST $1875 EACH!? Ok that's a rip off. Why are swans so expensive?? I saw a dozen of them on the river just last week. I suppose I could net some profits if I really want to.
EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING $58.00
That's assuming the true love received one hour of milking services from eight maids, based on the federal minimum wage of 7.25.
Disclaimer: price may be different in your region.
NINE LADIES DANCING $7,552.84
Based on a professional two-stepping dance company. That's about $840 per two-stepper, proving one can have a legitimate career with a degree in dancing.
TEN LORDS-A-LEAPING $10,000.00
If you want to hire ten ballet dudes for their leaping abilities it'll be $1000 a leaper.
ELEVEN PIPERS PIPING $2,748.87
Pipe pipers don't make as much as ballet leapers. $250 per piping piper.
TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMING $2,972.25
Drummers get the short end of the stick in the music industry. They're just a hair cheaper than pipers. $247ish per drummer.
Here's a video of Tony Royster Jr when he was 12 playing what looks like 6 drums. Enjoy!
Well that was a long winded list. Please check back soon for our better more affordable options.